Imagine a painting
Is there an image which I can see ? Does it convey anything to you, others? Will these questions, actually help you remain sane instead of going all over the place. Does it feel like you're drowning in confusion and wasting precious time and energy. Maybe, but this time, I think I have a different vibe about the idea. The way for me to express the confusion and sadness within my heart. Is there a need for you to be feeling bad, when you have so many things working so well for you.
Thanks for reminding me repeatedly, that my earnings aren't upto your expectations. Maybe it was not meant as a taunt, but the stab into my ego did definitely hurt. All the money can buy is more unhappiness and make yourself slave to an ideology which is of no benefit but your ability to speak the truth is the only point of meaning in life?
What is the point of my life? And what the f@##$ am I doing here and why? Instead of wasting time and energy on all these unkowables, I should focus on some simple things, what are the priority actions and how can I manage to hold myself together without disintegrating and breaking into a thousand pieces. Will you be able to dream up a very big structual piece of work, without any external help, all by yourself and then use these objects to fend off your life from a very big tragedy. If you can use the levels of fading in and out in your mind, maybe the things can be constructed to a set meaningfulness and idea that we are progressing. What is the way out of this forest without giving a fuck to anybody including myself and others. It's a joke and I don't get it.
Is there a coherent picture I can paint with the words? The lack of a coherent narrative and storyline bothers me. Why aren't you able to create snippets of emotion and word pictures which are always interestingly mind numbing and leave you with that achy feeling of not having been able to get on the bus which mattered.
Does it matter if I get onto a wrong bus and see how like takes you on a detour which reminds you that nothing is really what you can try a difficult partnership with yourself and coach you to go to a different platform where things cannot be made to make any other point to go from here.
I will pick this thread up and start recording the random movies that keep playing inside my head. It need not make sense to myself or others. But what I wish to do, is faithfully take the snapshots and file them away for posterity. Is it a good way to be going forward from here instead of feeling depressed and bad that you have made enough money and look at all the things which you can't still afford instead of how far you've managed to come after all.